3 Ways Bad Friends Use ‘Language’ to Keep You at Arms’ Length

We all have that one friend who keeps us guessing where we stand with them. No matter how much we try to include them in our plans, share our thoughts or be a good friend to them, our efforts always seem to fall flat. And when we try to talk to them about it, we often end up getting even more frustrated.

Sound familiar? You are not alone. The bad news is that this may not just be a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication between friends—it’s often a deliberate ploy to “keep out of the mind.” Here’s why people do it, and how it can manifest in conversation.

What is Psychological Distancing?

It’s a common experience: when we feel stressed or uncomfortable, our instinct is often to take a “time out” or create some distance from the situation. This need for distance is not only physical; according to a 2017 study from Journal of Experimental Psychology, we do it mentally too. We use mental distance to help us manage stress and anxiety.

Cognitive dissonance involves imagining stressful situations as if they were happening from a distance or from a third-person perspective. Research confirms that this mental strategy reduces negative emotions and reduces the biological symptoms of stress – such as blood pressure and amygdala activity. In fact, by mentally dismissing negative experiences, we reduce their physical and emotional impact.

However, the authors found that when we want to mentally separate ourselves from things we don’t like, changing our language to reflect this space reduces their emotional impact even more. To achieve this, we use “distant language”—we avoid discussing these issues in the present tense, and we avoid using first-person pronouns.

How Communicative Language Reveals Itself in Relationships

Mindfulness and the use of distant language are effective coping mechanisms when we need distance from what is bothering us, as these subtle changes in language and thought allow us to create emotional barriers. However, when it bothers us as someone else, these behaviors can come up in our conversations—and the impact on the recipient is often unpleasant.

Study from the journal of Human Communication Research confirms this. Studies have found that when one person dislikes another, they tend to use distancing behavior to ease their pain. These behaviors generally fall into three categories—being assertive, avoiding involvement, and being defiant.

1. Defining the Group

If you try to start a conversation or connect with someone who is trying to create mental space, they may respond in ways that reduce emotional engagement or interest in the conversation. Example:

• “That was a good movie, wasn’t it?” met with “Eh, that was good.”
• “I thought I would bake your favorite cookies today. Would you like that?” gets “Maybe.”
• “I can’t wait to see you this weekend! I’ll see you at five o’clock on Saturday, right?” is met with “Yes … or whenever we meet.”

The other person will do their best to appear neutral or indifferent, and will avoid showing any kind of interest or enthusiasm. They may downplay the experiences you share, avoid talking about commitments or aggressively shut down your attempts to connect with them.

2. Avoiding Engagement

When you are trying to maintain a relationship, connection or intimacy with someone who is trying to create mental space with you, their language may be hesitant, slurred or incoherent:

• “I also saw you got an invitation to Skylar’s birthday party. Will you go?” ends in “Maybe.”
• “Do you want to join us for dinner tonight?” gets “We’ll see.”
• “Can we talk about what happened yesterday?” combined with “Can’t we do this now?”

Their answers will show a clear reluctance to act. They will leave invitations or connection requests hanging, will be as vague as possible to avoid guaranteed participation and will create clear barriers to block your attempts to communicate with them – all and in order to keep you close. .

3. Showing Opposition

Someone who is not interested in the message of truth may resist, either subtly or directly, in his efforts to create space – which can lead to obvious tension or conflict:

• “I enjoyed the time we spent together last weekend.” say, “I had other things to do.”
• I was hoping we could spend more time together. it is changed to “I am busy with more important things.”
• “Do you want to watch a movie tonight?” is turned away by “Why do we always want to do what you want?”

They may not only distance themselves from you, but they may also develop negative feelings that can further damage the relationship. They may dismiss your ideas and thoughts or belittle you or your efforts to connect with them. They may even go so far as to cause conflict in the hope that you will stop.

The Bottom Line

Distant communication is a powerful, protective medium. It allows people to protect themselves from appearing vulnerable, overly caring or interested. It is an effective way to create a mental barrier, to maintain their sense of control and emotional safety. And while it may make them feel better, the same cannot be said for you.

If you have a friend who can’t seem to give you a straight yes or no answer, or who responds in ways you can’t understand—they may not be a true friend not at all. Take their constant use of distant language as a sign that they are not interested in establishing a real connection.

Don’t feel pressured to continue investing in a one-sided relationship. True friendship is based on mutual effort and mutual interest. If your attempts at intimacy are always met with distance, it’s important to realize that you deserve better. Everyone deserves a like-minded friendship.

Do you consider yourself a good friend? Take what is backed by science Strong Empathic Listening Skills to know well.